Time for change

Dear friends,

It has been a long time since my last post. I mentioned on the last one that this year was about change. Well, change has knocked on my door. I will be without a job by the end of August and this news has caused me to think about my life: my past, present and future (even more than before).

When one is let go from a job, one questions oneself. Was I not good enough? Do I fit the job description on this post, or this one or that one? “I could be a dog walker… Why not? Right…, that job does not pay the rent.” “I could drive trucks; I’ll get a CDL license. The pay is very good according to this post.”
I started to consider options I had discarded in the past and new ones I never though of considering.

I am worried.

The quest for survival has been the main drive of both my professional and personal life, with little room to pursue my real interests or indulge in the pleasures life has to offer.
I know this does not make any sense, my sentences are incoherent. Bear with me; it will make sense with the help of the illustrations.

I am hopeful.

I hope that something fabulous will happen and everything will be fine. I’ll find a nice job, we won’t have to move and everything will be alright.

I am scared.

When bad times come, most people go away. It feels as if I have a contagious disease that no one wants to catch.

I am strong.

I’ll get through this. I have been here before not too long ago. The load is bigger and heavier now, but I think I can.

Until next time.

Arlette

I've been busy these days!

My dear friends, I broke my promise of not taking so long to post again.  It has been more than a month since my last post, and if I am writing right now, it is due to the words of encouragement from Mr. F. and a good dosage of will power.

I have been so busy it is unbelievable.
My son had his school's spring concert last Thursday. It was wonderful to hear him play the sax in his school band. My favorite piece was Antiquitus by Joseph Compello.

On Friday, my daughter performed at her school in "High School Musical 2", as Kelsi, the pianist. She had a small solo part singing "You are the music in me", she was awesome!

We went to see Banana Shpee in the city on Saturday.  It was great, I highly recommend it; and on Sunday, went to a baby shower in Jersey. And this was only last week.

Work has been quite busy as well.  Many changes are happening, people leaving and coming.  2010 is definitely a year of change.

Emotionally, my roller coaster went turbo this month. I am convinced I must have some hormonal problems or something.
Again, I went from happy, I am getting things done, I am content with my life, to complete dissatisfaction, questioning every aspect of my life.

This questioning, aided by a wonderful book I got for mother's day titled "Me: five years from now" by Sheree Bykofsky (which by the way, I am not ready to tackle) prompted many, many questions.  Here is a small (very, very small) sample:
Who the f---- am I?
Where am I going?
What am I good at?
What makes me happy?
Why am I so angry?

Sounds like philosophy, right?  These are the kind of questions you find on subway ads for The Philosophy Institute (I think is called), have you seen them?

Then, I asked myself, Am I going crazy?

Here is a little drawing I think illustrates what I was feeling a couple of days ago.

A.  Cepeda 5/2010

I will ask for your assistance to help me climb a few steps of the mountain called The Infinite Search of Finding Out Who I Am.  I f you have a moment, please answer the question below, (paraphrased from the aforementioned book). I ask that you be as sincere as you can. It can be as trivial or as deep as you like, but parting from your own experience with me. You can comment anonymously if you don't want me to know who you are, or if it makes you feel more comfortable.  Remember it is for the good of the cause, which is to help me figure out some parts of who I am or at least know how others perceive me. Here it goes:

"If you were describing me as a character in a novel, this is what you would say" ...

I will leave you with that thought/homework and another drawing.

A.  Cepeda 5/2010

Your comments are always welcome and I looking forward to reading them. Thanks for your time.

Arlette

Arlette's emotions: A roller-coaster.

Hello! I finally found a moment to sit down and write.

It has been almost two weeks since the last time, and boy how many things have happened to me.  My emotions have gone from the deepest low to very high, from sad, disillusioned and desperate to happy and hopeful.

Work, home and my head feel like three different realities.  They coexist and bring about chaos, because each interfere with one another. One has become overwhelming, then peaceful, then uncertain. The other suddenly becomes pleasant and full of dreams and the other one disconnected, confused, paralyzed.

To help canalize all these emotions, I hopped them all on a roller-coaster and took them on a spin with the pen and paper one day and the camera another.

Here are the results of these rides that still have not stopped.

Please write some comments, maybe they will help me get off and ride on something more stable.

Thanks for reading and for your time,

Arlette

Digging inside

Hello!

It is late, I had been thinking about this moment all day, yet the moment came and I am blank.  I guess it must be because I am tired. I want to share many things with you, but they are all incoherent, loose ideas, all jammed up in my head.  Practice makes perfect, I hope that the more I post the better I'll get, I hope.

I took a few pictures this week and wanted to share them with you. I also did a few drawings that I plan to post over the weekend.

I think this year is a year of change, of radical change. The Earth is shaking, the economy is crumbling and on a personal level, the dissatisfaction is reaching a limit. Let me rephrase that last statement; the desire for fulfillment is almost unbearable.  That sounds better. Everything as I know it is changing or will change soon, hopefully for the better. What used to be is no longer, I hope I can adapt and move on.

I will leave you with a quote and some pictures:

"Life isn't about finding yourself.  Life is about creating yourself" 

(Unknown)

Artwork

Hi!

Since the launch of this blog, I have failed to talk about my artwork.  What a mistake, what was I thinking? Da!

Photography has become my main medium, but I enjoy ceramics and painting as well.

You can view some of my ceramic pieces here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=348280&id=637045340

And here is a recent photo.

I like to take pictures of details, things that we tend to dismiss, ignore, yet can be so interesting and beautiful.

Please let me know your thoughts.
Thanks.

No complains!

Have you ever felt like a nagger?  That's how I feel.  I read my previous posts and realized that all I have done is complain.  Complain about everything.  What a nagger!

I will not complain today. It was a nice day.  I feel happy.

Here is a photo. Enjoy it!

Arlette

Commitment to self

Hello,

It's been a while! I am having a rough week. I am sick and a bit down.

Talking to some people helped me point out how I need to commitment to myself.  To stand up for my beliefs and to speak up. To take care of the things that are important to me and to organize myself.

Of course, we all know this is easier said than done, but I will try.

Thinking about how I am going to commit to myself made me realize how I have forgotten who I am, what I want and what I enjoy. What am I to commit to?

I need to do something to get back to myself, to rescue my soul and the things that make me, me.

My head has not stopped talking. It goes from criticizing myself to boosting my self esteem.

Sometimes I think I am crazy.

The feeling of dissatisfaction doesn't go away. The lack of resources is taking a toll on my efforts to improve. I feel impotent, trapped in the circumstances.

The feeling that there is something better than this, that this is not the way it is supposed to be is unbearable.

I hope that it gets better. I hope that when the sun comes out next week, so do the solutions to many of the mundane problems that overwhelm me.

Until next time.

Arlette Cepeda 2004

I am tired of asking!

I am tired of asking and seldomly getting. When I finally get, is mostly because of my constant naggying. So it no longer feels good, even when I get some.

Why can I get without asking?  All I want is a sign that tells me that he still cares, like the way it used to be.
Always hoping, always waiting and in the mean time giving, always giving.

I am tired.  How many times do I have to tell him what I want, what I need. I deserve more. I have earned more.

Again, I want to go back, back to those nights when I was important, when he couldn't wait to get home to be with me.

Well... You most be a bit sorprised.  This is so different from my previous posts. Let me explain it.  I am feeling comfortable and I just had a moment.
It is also a reflection of my personality, erratic, ever changing, impulsive, naive.
He has said in many occations: "You cannot deny your true nature".  He is right!  This is my true nature, open, honest, blant, sometimes innapropriate, sensible, loving and why not, needy.

Ok.  Enough!

I'll leave you with the question, that keeps bogging me: Why can I get without asking? and a picture.

I am tired.

In search of myself

Friday night. I become myself again, or so I think.
I noticed I find myself trying to rescue the past, to keep it alive.  Is it a sign of old age?
Whatever!  Well, I found these pictures that took me back to a very special time in my life.
I selected a few to share with you, that I think capture the essence of what was going through my mind back then and that now are part of fond memories.

You know, when I sat down to write this post, I had a completely different idea in mind.  Perhaps if the exhaustion doesn't give in, I'll post again later.

Your comments are always welcomed. Thanks for reading.

About me

As promised, I will tell you a little about me.

I am a visual artist. I am a photographer.
I am a mother and an employee. A wife and a daughter.
I like people and chocolate.
I am searching for myself, who I lost sometime between being a mother and an employee, and even a wife.

It is late and I am tired.  I will add a photo just to add some beauty.
Until next time.
Arlette.

THE BEGINING...

Hello and welcome to my first blog entry.

Thanks to a wonderful friend, Sarah Valerio, I have entered the blogosphere.

I am unsure as to what exactly I want to share with the world, but I certain that it will be my perspective of whatever I choose to blog about and can't wait to get my first comment. Your thoughts will certainly make me a better human being.

Ok. I think this is a good start. I will let you know a bit about myself on my next blog entry.

Thanks for reading.

Arlette